sore....

i am officially single nw... should be say that i suppose to be happy and free now... however it seems like i am causing myself in a dilemma again... being with someone was supposed to be happy... all of his family member treat me good... out of my expectations i had been a mum for several months... at first i was just thought on giving this child a mother love... however as time pass by, the love from just a normal sister to this child had become a love of mother... appearance seems to accept i to be her mom but deep inside this child i not sure.... for sometimes she will cast me away like today... as loves and cares i pour was not like normal kids... i knew that i can never have a place in her heart... sometimes i feel like crying but i dunno whether this tears rolling down is for what purpose? apparently i can feel jealous inside me... today i was touched when she called me but at the same time i do feel pain and sore when her daddy ask me go out in order to give her sleep... suddenly i feel like i am useless mother... a mother for just in need not for love... a girlfriend in need not for love.... i dunno i struggle for what and i dunno what am i doing now... when he ask me out from room, my tears wanna drop down.... my heart really sore... i dunno what should i do... i think nothing i can do now except for just be in patience... being a stepmother really not easy... really need time.... i hope that he could know that actually i am trying very hard and hope he could feel my tiredness... sometimes i do feel suffocated... heart really pain when daddy chase me out... the feeling is like all this while what i do was useless and means nothing..... dunno when only my tears can be out and when only baby could accept me....

the love of happiness

back from pangkor, seems to have buried my feeling of love to wards someone there. frankly i don't even know am i really putting it down. cause if so y am my heart still aching? i had been asking tis question again and again and yet i get the answer. perhaps he really put down his feeling towards me and just treated me as one of his fren who could help him when the time he need. 10/08/2015, he text me several msg. i saw it but i choose not to reply even though i wanted so much to text him back. when he called me just to know am i safe or back d, i was feeling happy and my heart was smiling. but that also just a short period of happiness that he grow inside me. when he suddenly text me so many questions, i could not felt what his feeling actually. when the time he asked me to accompany him a while, and the moment i saw his tears rolling down, my heart felt pain. i dunno y it happen but seeing him in pain and tired making me feel the same. i was sad that i unable to help him ease the pain inside his heart. i told myself and remind myself that we are just fren. dun cross the fren border line. otherwise i am the one get hurt. no matter how hard i tired, i still care and still concern. i cannot lie to my own heart. nowadays everytime when i faced him, i just act that we are just fren. i know that i want to be more than fren with him but sometimes things cannot be forced. perhaps it is better this way.

yesterday, he sent me a message saying how happy he was as he managed to get a lot of sales based on his effort and he is not the same old him anymore. i was feeling happy as well. i text him back. however after last night text, there is no reply from him since then. seeing him determined now, i really happy. as a fren i am really happy to be able to support him during the time he needs. perhaps he is using my feeling for i can sense it but as long as he managed to build up himself, i am more than happy for him. i should let really let go my feel to him d and just really treat him as fren. however, now i miss him so much. but for what use, i am the only one who miss him. his heart does not even consist me. he didn't even miss me. i will still help him till the day when the time say i should not help anymore. i love him but i not dare to think on owning him. i just want him to be happy and cheerful. i want him to be the person he should be and be a hero for bb nix. i miss his daughter a lot. caring him and loving him makes me loves his daughter and cared his daughter. however all this will stop one day when i felt i didn't exist and have a place in his heart. i love him and i will always wish for his happiness.

it is love? am i wrong in loving someone? cant i have the chance?

we should not make a relationship then i wont be in this hurt. i can still control my feeling towards him. i am not a wood. i am not a human with no feeling. i hate my feeling when it always right. i know he had no feel for me and just treat me as fren. i know that he felt sorry for playing me. but i want him to know that i just wanted a word from him. a word that can ask me to wait. i am willing to wait him. these few days i had been trying very hard in maintaining our relationship as fren. i know it is hard but i really dun wan to give up. love does not mean to own right. but single handed love really tired and pain. the worst pain is i had started to miss his daughter trinnix. i miss her a lot and a feeling of taking care of her slowly grow inside me. i dun wan to be her god mother cause i know what i want to be for her. bb i miss u... i had been see ur pic lately. it seems like bb daddy avoiding me.. perhaps he really busy... i also wish him the best. i just want to be beside him support him den i can be satisfied and happy. if he have problem i hope he will think of me and wish i can share with him. just be by his side i can be more than satisfied and happy. bb trinnix, jie jie miss u a lot... jie jie love u....

stupidity of me

i had done something really stupid last night... what a stupid question i asked him and now i more shy and more dunno how to face him. what on earth am i thinking when sending that message? am i out of my mind... now i feel so bad and my emotion were in a mess. I shouldn't have sent but y did i send? i hate myself so myself for not able to control myself anymore. but i really wanna get the ans from him and let him know that i am willing to be by his side support him and care him together with trinnix. i am willing to be his no.2 person. i am willing to be a someone important for trinnix. i dun wan just to be a bez fren for i cannot stand if he told he me that he fall for someone. how can i send that stupid message.... hate it.... i really hate myself.... WEE CHEOW LI u r so hopeless and useless... U already say treat him as fren then u should not think too much... but i still want to have a chance... is there any chance for us, i really dunno... perhaps i should really just treat him as a bez fren.... i will try my best to treat him as my bez fren and try my best to erase off our memories.

unspeakable feeling

i am confused. i don't know what should i feel now. should i treat as nothing happen or should i treat it as ended. there are things that should not happen but it did happened. i thought i could just let it be. it turns out in the end i am lying to myself. i hate myself y i so easily give in to someone whom i have feeling but seems like being played. perhaps i should not let my feeling controlled me but i did. i hate myself for letting my heart open for someone whom i perhaps should not have given to. I did regret. At first, i thought i could really help him as fren. i did treat him as fren but i couldn't figure out since when my feeling slowly turns out to be love. everything start to change once i know my true feeling. I scare he played my feeling. in fact, not only he don't have confidence and scared in love, i myself also scared and don't have confidence. i had been played many times and hurt many times. I just want to treat someone i care whole heartly is it also not allowed. ever since that night, i could not really concentrate on my works. i wanted to help him up with his career.. i wanted so much to see him build up himself back.. dunno since when, i start to care him so much till sometimes i feel so worry when he didn't reply or message me.i know that i am his nobody. who am i to care so much actually? last two days, he told he didn't have his meal due to too busy with work, and he vomit out whatever he had eaten. I was so worry till i decided to care his stomach. i boil something late at night and gave to him after his work yesterday. i don't care on who am i to him anymore. I just want to care him and support him eventhough only as fren now. i brought it to his house. i told myself not to push and not to hope. but i could not control my heart feeling. when he asked me to take care of his daughter as he wanted to work, and i without any hesitation, agree and asked to put his mind in ease and worked as he wish. frankly, i did care his daughter a lot. i to his daughter maybe a jie jie but i will try to pour a mother love in his daughter. i don't want to think so much because i really care her. seeing her smile and happy, i also felt happy. i just wanted to protect her eventhough as a jie jie status. sometimes things do takes times. now i know that love someone, we does not necessary need to own it. as long as the one we love happy and we managed to help then we will also happy. i won't stop helping and supporting him. sometimes things need to be slowly. i will wait for him. i will really wait till one day he told me that he has someone d in his heart and life o told me tat we will only be fren. if really that day arrives, then perhaps i will let go everything here and move on to other place to start my life. from now, i will still love his daughter like a child which i could not say my own but i will treat like a daughter and protect her as a mother with a jie jie status I will pour some mother love for her and teach and guide her to love. i miss her sometimes like now i miss her. i promise someone to help in making a video for his daughter then i will do it. i am not going to push and force him. i want him to be the one he want to be and build himself back. i want to see him happy then i will be happy also. i know i am silly but i cant help myself.

Always remaining as me

long time din post here... but i think mostly i will post all my bad feeling only... does miracle really exist for me??? i dunno how to feel now... perhaps should be back to zero... my feeling towards someone should be back to zero including my love to a little girl... i knew d,,,, everything good that i love and hope it would be everlasting happen would be taken away from me... last night when w e were both together in a small room in ur house, i was feeling overjoy... i love it... really i love it... the way we cuddle and play each other, i was hope that time could pause and stop at there... for i know everything that i wish will be taken away... after last night, there no more msg from someone... love could really melt someone... i think he will only treat me as a passer-by and a normal fren only from now onwards for i know good thing and what i wish for will never happen and will be taken away from me... i will remains as me only...

the feeling inside me

it's near 2 months we had known each other. I was actually confuse on what i want. Had never been in this mess in love before. I love in being straight forward. But for me, I cannot be straight forward towards as there are many things seems to block us from step in deeper. I have feeling for him but I also need to think deeply can i really be a stepmother? Can we both really accept this relationship. when i hold his daughter, i could feel the love of a mother she needs in her. My concern is can I gave her the love she need? now, we both are more to fren only. perhaps by this way only i can touch him, play with him and his daughter without have any awkard feeling. Eventually, perhaps i think i had change. this is not me. I will never concern too much if i love someone. LAst night, i acc him work. Actually deep inside i feel really happy and had a feeling of blessed. Dunno y. I will never let people to drive my car and put my heart at ease if someone try to drive my car. This feeling goes to Sheng. When he drove our kia last time, I always scare he will spoilt it. I will always worry. However, I never thought i could let Patrick to drive my car and I never worry anything about it. Perhaps this is the real love I have in my heart and a boy. Love could not be measure by time. I dunno since when he placed a place inside my heart. i dunno since when he exist in my heart. he is not a perfect guy nor a guy i dream of but i just love him. and i wanted so much to help him. touching his moustache, his face, his hand, i could make myself smile. nowadays when i miss him, when i think back, i could lift a smile on my face. i now just want to help him and hope that he can build himself with confidence then it will be ok. In future eventhough we may end up fren, i will be happy to c him happy again. Now only i know what is love. I din put any hope that he love me but i just hope that he can find his love. no matter i will still wait... i hold my job in singapore. i still wan to wait. while wait i will love up myself and live to the greatest... gambate for both of us... i may not declare my love to him now but i hope next time when i will have the brave to kiss him. I had wanted to kiss him for so long but i dun have the brave. Hope i can have a chance to kiss him again. Just once i will also feel satisfied.

feeling silly

last night was splendid for it was our second time outing together with his bb. Although it was just a small and short outing but I felt happy and satisfied... for at least I can be with him and see him. I maybe silly in thinking this way but isn't this is also the way it should be. I was hoping that we can be more than fren but if i can see him happy i am satisfied. when he post how happy he and his daughter last night, i felt so happy. however this morning he deleted the post. I was like had a sudden heartache feeling. i know that I may not be the person who would stay by his side at the end but at least now I able to stand by his side when he needs my help. however after the enjoyment of yesterday night, today he totally no message me at all. if i say that i am ok it would be a lie but i dun wan to disturb him with his work... i dunno should i msg him or not cse i wanted smy o much to msg him... i dunno that tonight movie can still on or not? i was waiting for tonight but i know and guess perhaps that tonight it will be canceled. eventually i was so scared it might be cancel. tonight it turn out it didn't cancel but my plan was ruined. today was the first time ever i didn't receive any message from him. my heart felt really uncomfortable and i dunno how to face him later..i feel very unsecure now... perhaps i should not step in but i also should not give up so fast... but i really dun have any confidence d... i am a loser in love,,, my feeling grew deeper... like tonight when we watch movie, i am feeling happy although i just sit by his side... but i pretend nothing happen because i scare... now also i scare... i am jealous when i saw him texting other girl.... y do i wan to care so much when he doesn't even care...

by ur side

my feeling growing each day... and i dun wan to stop it...  i know u dun believe in love anymore but i dun know y i just wan be by ur side and help u overcome with this... i should not have done this but i dun wan to c u hopeless... i am already happy when u think of me when u need help.... i want to help u get out and step out to what u wan to be and do... even though at the end i may not get ur love and maybe i will be once again doom but at least i have a moment with u... i know u dun have feeling towards me but i just dunno y i wanna help u up and help u move on and succeed... i am jealous and i admit... when u treat Renee nice i do admit that i am jealous actually but i control it.. i could feel tat u like her more... but i just pretend nothing happen cse i know i am fall in love with u d... but i dun wan u to noe tat i care u a lot.. i just wanna be by ur side when u need help and accompany... i wan u to have faith in love back... perhaps i wont get ur love but at least i try... maybe at the end i would end up being alone and get rejected by u but for now i dun wan u to give up urself and i wont give up... i wont force u and i will just be by ur side...

feeling of missing

we haven't meet each other for several days since last Monday and our texts getting fewer and fewer. I don't know that I had started to miss you till yesterday when I received your message I was really happy and feel bliss. By then, I already know I had started to really miss you. It may seem awkard for we just each other not long. Eventually I also don't does I really have feeling towards you or I just want to feel the missing piece inside me. I really cannot confirm on what is my feeling actually... I don't even know am I really scared in losing you or I just need an accompany. I know that you are busy lately for you had tell me in your message. But y am my heart feel ache when I don't receive any message from you. your message also getting fewer and fewer. Do I really put you in my life d or am I the one who started to enter in your life? We known each other really not long but why do I have this kind of feeling? These few days are you really busy or are you trying to avoid me? My mind was so confuse and blank. Every morning when I wake, the first I do was looking at my phone to check whether you had message me or not.... same goes to every night before I sleep I would wait for your message ... What on earth is happening to me? Why everyday my mind seems like to have you in it? Why I cannot control my mind anymore? Now, even a single message from you could brighten up my day... Why am I letting you in my life? I even started to listen to the songs that you love eventhough I don't like the song at first.  Why am I caring your daughter so much and so worry about your daughter when I know she is sick? What is happening to me? This is not suppose to happen and I should not have this kind of feeling... Today no message from you since morning till now... My mind was in a mess once again.... Am I had really fallen for you or I just want to fill the missing piece in my life and heart?/? Perhaps I should had let the feeling pass and not trying to find answer for the feeling anymore. I had filled my days with busy works and appointment but I still care and miss your message and the time being together with you... Perhaps I should avoid u and let go whatever happen now. I am feeling I am getting deeper and my feeling getting stronger each. I scared all these was just a dream and also my own thought... I scare to let him know all these feeling inside me. I scare if he knew it, he wont call me, message me and I can't be by his side whenever he needs me. I can't even make any move now as my status not yet change. I don't know he can wait me or not.. or maybe we are just friend. i am getting fed up and trying to step out d.... for i scare of disappointment. I really scare to know what he think... perhaps now is the best.. I have no confidence in myself anymore... I am a loser in love.... but I do miss him now....

what is love?

what is love actually? what do i want to express actually? why am i being blank? i am suppose to be free from a love that i shouldn't step in but yet my heart pounding for another one...
why did my heart could feel ache? it should be happy when i am free from the relationship that had been making me crazy but now y did my heart ache again? i been asking myself do i really know how to love and do i really love before? if yes, y am i feeling of give up now? what is the real feeling of love???

can love really cant be measure by time? although we just met and known each other for a month plus but i know deep inside my heart i am not treating u as my normal fren although i had been trying very hard to just treat u as a fren. I don't know do u have feeling for me but i can assure that i have feeling towards u and it is not little. every night before i sleep my mind will think of u same when i wake up every morning, i will think about u the first. i dun wan to stop my mind from thinking of u till one day u tell me that u are in love with other girl. i dun wan to give up on the things that i love for i had give up once. i don't know whether u will wait for me or not but i can confirm that i will wait for u till the day u are brave in facing love and hold my hand up. i will not listen to others but my feeling towards u will be keep inside.

love someone does not necessary means to have him but will always wish for his happiness.

what should a love means>>>>>>>>

last time maybe i really start too fast and evolve too fast in a relationship... that y i dun understand what does a love really means...i thought it would what u will get after what you have done to a person whom u cares and loves.. today only i realise and found out that love is not that way.... if we really love a person we would wish for their best.. we maybe longing to be with them but we would never force to be together... we would accept their everything and wish for their happiness. being together with them or not is not a point... this time perhaps i really fall in love d... i would wish for someone best in his life,,,,

what makes heart beat and what makes it hurts?

i dun even know does my heart really beating for someone d... i don't dare to step in but i did step in d. Last night i cried for so hard. Thanks to my darling and also someone who tried their best to make me happy. When I saw him I really happy. I can let go the pain I suffer and can even build myself up. Last night was really surprise me. I was so miss him and thanks to my darling I finally manage to see him. I do try my very best to just treat him as fren and not to cross border of frenship. I scare of losing him. He is right. I should not step in fast in a relationship when i had just a broken one. Last night although he just hold my hand for a while and also just for play, my heart melted. I know i could not control my feeling much longer. it getting stronger. Now not only he avoid me but i think i also avoid him. For all these while he keeps on reminding me that he just treat me as fren and we are just only fren. I don't know what would I feel when he told me that he loves someone else... i know that i didn't just treat him as fren. but i dun wan him to know that i had feeling with him. perhaps he know d that y he keeps reminding me as his fren. he dun wan me to misunderstood. i know. i understand. i dun wan to force too much. he dun have feel towards me then let it be ba. perhaps the feeling could be wash away through time. i not dare to see him long last night. my feeling really mixed up. i only know i feel so happy by his side. he keeps on saying wan find a girl and my heart keeps on scare. i din feel hurt just feel sad cannot even be a girl for him to choose. cannot be a girl to be with him. sad that i dun even have the chance. perhaps. maybe he think that i am not serious and playing only. or perhaps i am confuse with my own thinking and feeling. i feel sad cause no chance given by him. as for him i am just only a fren. a fren... just a fren.... perhaps i should stop messsaging him and stop thinking of him d... he will never think of me.... a love that accidentally lit up makes my heart beat again for love but a word of fren out from the accidentally lit up feel makes heart hurt..... friend... sometimes could ease pain but sometimes could make us mess and sad and pain....

heart beat again but heartache

all these years, i felt that i am a total lost girl. Perhaps i am too straight. I dunno how to control my feeling. I just lost a love and yet now i have feel again. i know it is not right. But y do i feel like he is the one... when i sad or happy also i think of him. no matter what mood i am in my mind was holding to him... its was not it should be. I don't even know whether my heart fall for him or not... he lift me up but now he put me down again. I hate my weakness a lot. I don't even know why am I fond of him. Maybe I was touch by the way he care for kids and the way he looks. We had been quite close last 2 weeks. He could even sang a song for me and bought me a cake and also kiss my forehead everytime we head home after we went out. But now things change. He started to avoid me. The message gets fewer everyday. The moment when he grabs my hand my life suddenly got a light lit up. However sweet things always never seem to last for me. The next day we seems like break d. Perhaps we or should I say I start out too fast. I don't understand myself why I can be like this. I just knew this nice guy and how can I have feeling for him? I was feeling very comfortable and secure whenever I with him. I enjoyed so much the time we spent together although just for a short period. Yesterday, when he sent me to meet lawyer, i was happy to be by his side and was so happy to see him. However don't know, after meeting up lawyer, my tears keeps on rolling down my eyes but I control it for I don't him to see me cry. While he sent me home, I managed to accompany him work a while. A feeling of satisfaction. I enjoyed seeing the way he work. I really hopes he could open up his heart now and not to prove anything to his ex-wife but to himself and also his daughter. Even though he may not likes me, I will also wish that he find a girl that will suit him, likes him and can accept his situation and condition as a single daddy. I may be in hurt if there is a girl likes him but I also wish him the best as he is a nice guy. As for Tommy, I really let go the pain and hurt love that he cause and gave me these 4 years. I could not even recall back any sweet memories while the time being together with him. I tried many times before filing for divorce to recover back the feeling of love that had lost however it seems like it getting worse when the feeling I had when with him is a feeling of scare and afraid. I felt unsecure when be with him. Eventually it seems like he lost everything, but the truth is it seems like I am the one who lost everything except my freedom. I had lost a house, family, car, love, money and youth. It is not easy to make this decision but it is even tougher to go through a life like hell. After last night discussion, it seems like I am making a fool to myself all these years. Been sacrifice for nothing. Love for someone who took me for granted. I am the biggest loser after all. It's gonna close and end after all. In a short while everything will come to an end. My life gonna open a new life chapter d. Jia you to myself ba. Gambate....  Everything will end..........

expectation always lead to disappointment

mami,

the day u left is coming sooner... but let me tell first on what going on... i will not pray together with ur husband... he is been over and i cant tolerate anymore... sorry mami,,, u should understand more than me... i could have forgive him but i could tolerate him anymore....

mami, i lost once again... i fail once again...

mami... u have left me here 5 years... i had become stronger.... believe me mum... i love u....

the ans that i been searching for>>>>

mummy,

its been a time since my last talk with u.. i stopped talking as my mind was in a mess and i dun even know on what to talk to u. i cant even start and i dun even know on where should i end... i was in a total lost mummy..


mummy,
let me tell u a thing... i also know what i should do d now. and i am not going to delay it anymore.. all this year being with someone has up and down... i was in a mess.... after breaking with him, someone is the one who be with me and by my side... eventually i thought that he is the one for me.. our status changed very fast... for the first year when we be together i was happy... really.. tat time many things happen and i dun even how to face all the obstacles... my mind had become empty... suddenly he appear to be seen as a fairy to help me go through all the obstacles... tat moment i felt that i am the most happiest girl in the earth... really mummy.. i even blocked him because of someone tat y i bo read diok all his emotion and feeling... but things turn out differently on the 2nd years of our relationship. i was in a deep patience cause i had make a regret once and i don't want to regret twice... the following year and so on was a tragic and also thrilled me... i gets humiliation, mocking and disrespect from someone family... i treat someone family as my family but in the end i gets all the things i didn't expected. that moment i felt hurt and it did hurt... however for the 1st year he did dump me once which until now it left a deep scare inside the heart... the scar that he makes it happen had become no pain as no because of i get rid of it but is because of hurt too deep thus no feel d. . mummy, towards someone is not tat i am giving any chance and suddenly become like a cruel person... is happen because of giving too much chance till i hurt myself with the chance i gave... i forgive him but i cannot forget that why i decide to let go... he maybe in pain i knew tat but it is better this way for i dun wan both of us to get hurt more deeply... for the past 2 years i had suffer more than enough and i dun wan to suffer anymore. the humiliation, mocking and the hell life i had suffer enough... someone until now will never know how hard my life been through for these near to 3 years. Yes it's true that i be with someone not his family but i also wan respect towards my family and also myself. The most basic protection someone already neglect it... i had been raising and voice out now i am tired in saying much... someone may ask y i cant just let go this question is similar with the broken glass which cant be stick together and be with complete pure and beautiful again once broken. same thing goes to trust.. i hate people lie the most especially on the first promise... once a lie forever a lie... this thing never happen to him whom i kept cause he never ever promise me anything and i also knew what he is likes... he is a person who will do and try to do at his best to make his words fullfill... i waited u for 4 years on a things that i asked... a proposal to be together and also a "biao bai" from u... till the end when we register what did i get??? u had destroyed my 1st time in life with this lie... a lie does not mean a small also a lie... a lie towards me could have an impact in my life... i can forgive but i cant forget the pain... i can let go but the hurt will still remain still in my heart for it's like pour acid on my heart and it cant be back to its original shape... its not i never give chance at all but i did give in so many ways... just that someone never truly appreciate it for someone never really use his heart to feel it... someone may blame me cruel but for enough is enough... i dun wan to argue anymore... i dun wan to continue my life as a hell anymore... i dun want to hate my life everytime i wake up... i want to be free again for myself... someone maybe hurt... people may see how hurt he was but i do hurt as well... from the moment i make this decision i already that there is no turning point back in the relationshiip.. sorry to say but for our good this decision sooner or later have to be made... i dun wan to explain... let the blame in me... hope he could recover from tis quick and gain his wealth and do his business well... as for me i rather be his little angel taking care of him and be with him whenever he needs me eventhough he have no feel or put me down d... hope this will be the best end.... my tears will never shed down for u anymore.... my chin will not be wet anymore....

a talk to mum.... 150115

mami,

so long din chat with mami,,, sorry ya... i am kind of busy lately... but i dunno tat is an excuses or i am really busy. mami i am so tired in making decision and thinking on how to please someone. i really tired in this relationship. i dunno y i can be so 'mao tun'. last time i was very sure he woud be the only one but dunno y after i know he lie to me and what his family members say about our family i ko beh tong. mami, i know he suffer but wat can i do. i also suffer. i not dare to think so much now, but i cannot lie myself, i can forgive what his family member say about our family because i sometime also got say about his family. but mami, i beh forget he lie and cheat me. my heart really tia. he everday face me and say my face black he can tell r he very kang ko but i ko kan kangko. everyday face someone whom i trust lie and cheat me. he wan me to let go tat past on being cheated as he say he is not intend to do so, if he really love me there is no excuses for him to lie me even a single o small thing especially he knw i dislikes when someone promise and this is the first promise from him. everyone c him very tired and kang ko now but c me like i am ok. who know deep inside i also feel pain. i am hurt till cant show out the pain anymore... can be say tat pain till dunno what am i pain inside. i know my feeling towards him is fading away. i dunno y this can happen is not me wan tis to happen but it did happen. all these years i had been sarifice everything for him... my time, my years, my finance and even my love.. all these while before things happen did he appreciate it? no... if he do things wont happen till this stage.. i am really angry how dare he still wan to ask how much my love towards him. i already love till hate. i used to love his voice.. but now i very hate his sounds.. everytime he call up i really dun wan to pick up but i ko scare something happen to him and he will luan luan think.. he really make me suffer more than i make him suffer. i used to love to msg him but in the past he neglec my msg more... now i dun expect anything d not even a single msg.. when i waiting he didnt care... now i am cold only d only he started to feel scare and wan to let me know how much he love me... i am not a wood. i do have feeling. who suffer more, even i angry also i still need to care his feeling. who;s more tired now? i make myself busy just to avoid him because i am tired in letting him knw and also answering the question which i myself dun even know the ans.

mami, i am really useless. without u beside me i am really nothing. i not dare to tell papa how suffer i am now cause i cant talk it out to him. i can only talk to u mami but its bad tat u r not here with me anymore. now everything seems to be late d mami,,, i knw he wan to get back my love but i just could not do tat nw. i ask to give us both sometime. he seems like he cant understand.o i shoud say from beginning til nw he nvr care and understand on wat i wan. i had changed. i dun mind he can do ath for me or not d. i dun have that care and feel d. i knw myself. but he cant. he cant give some time to recover and i felt like pushing. mami, should i really stop this relationship now? the more he do things to get me back the more i feel stress. the more my heart hurt. mami, i really hope can hug u and cry on u nw instead of crying alone here. everyone knw he in pain but whos knw my pain.
he is doing cruel to me when he ask me the question today. y must he be tat cruel and force to tell lies? if he is in pain and suffer then wat about me? mami, y u never wan to take me with u>

mami, if really stop this relationship no one will b more hurt than me not even him for i had sacrifice everything for him. but if wan stop i not dare to do so cz i really dunno wat i wan now. i dun wan regret but i really suffer. i wan us to be normal is it also very hard?  i wan us to focus on career is it also very hard... who knw my pain... who can understand how i felt inside...  i even ry so hard not to let someone enter my heart but dunno y today i someone place... i wish to c him a glance but no chance.. mami, if time can go back i will hold back everything... mami, i cry again d tonight,,, he make me disappointed again tonight. i had changed mami.. i am not the old me... i hate the old me also... the pain tat he cause to me had make me myslef today. a girl who is independant, bold and full of charisme.. i am changing to be someone who wish to have but cant have.... i dunno whn i will do the things i dun wan to do... i just wish he could focus on his work and not on me anymore...

mami... sorry for being useless daughter... i wan to pull out the root tat someone accidentally enter in.. someone gonna out from thr also... if not i think i will meet u very soon... i wish s stop asking cruel question and force me to ans tat cruel question... i am very scare him nw,,,