Thursday, 30 July 2015
stupidity of me
i had done something really stupid last night... what a stupid question i asked him and now i more shy and more dunno how to face him. what on earth am i thinking when sending that message? am i out of my mind... now i feel so bad and my emotion were in a mess. I shouldn't have sent but y did i send? i hate myself so myself for not able to control myself anymore. but i really wanna get the ans from him and let him know that i am willing to be by his side support him and care him together with trinnix. i am willing to be his no.2 person. i am willing to be a someone important for trinnix. i dun wan just to be a bez fren for i cannot stand if he told he me that he fall for someone. how can i send that stupid message.... hate it.... i really hate myself.... WEE CHEOW LI u r so hopeless and useless... U already say treat him as fren then u should not think too much... but i still want to have a chance... is there any chance for us, i really dunno... perhaps i should really just treat him as a bez fren.... i will try my best to treat him as my bez fren and try my best to erase off our memories.
Wednesday, 29 July 2015
unspeakable feeling
i am confused. i don't know what should i feel now. should i treat as nothing happen or should i treat it as ended. there are things that should not happen but it did happened. i thought i could just let it be. it turns out in the end i am lying to myself. i hate myself y i so easily give in to someone whom i have feeling but seems like being played. perhaps i should not let my feeling controlled me but i did. i hate myself for letting my heart open for someone whom i perhaps should not have given to. I did regret. At first, i thought i could really help him as fren. i did treat him as fren but i couldn't figure out since when my feeling slowly turns out to be love. everything start to change once i know my true feeling. I scare he played my feeling. in fact, not only he don't have confidence and scared in love, i myself also scared and don't have confidence. i had been played many times and hurt many times. I just want to treat someone i care whole heartly is it also not allowed. ever since that night, i could not really concentrate on my works. i wanted to help him up with his career.. i wanted so much to see him build up himself back.. dunno since when, i start to care him so much till sometimes i feel so worry when he didn't reply or message me.i know that i am his nobody. who am i to care so much actually? last two days, he told he didn't have his meal due to too busy with work, and he vomit out whatever he had eaten. I was so worry till i decided to care his stomach. i boil something late at night and gave to him after his work yesterday. i don't care on who am i to him anymore. I just want to care him and support him eventhough only as fren now. i brought it to his house. i told myself not to push and not to hope. but i could not control my heart feeling. when he asked me to take care of his daughter as he wanted to work, and i without any hesitation, agree and asked to put his mind in ease and worked as he wish. frankly, i did care his daughter a lot. i to his daughter maybe a jie jie but i will try to pour a mother love in his daughter. i don't want to think so much because i really care her. seeing her smile and happy, i also felt happy. i just wanted to protect her eventhough as a jie jie status. sometimes things do takes times. now i know that love someone, we does not necessary need to own it. as long as the one we love happy and we managed to help then we will also happy. i won't stop helping and supporting him. sometimes things need to be slowly. i will wait for him. i will really wait till one day he told me that he has someone d in his heart and life o told me tat we will only be fren. if really that day arrives, then perhaps i will let go everything here and move on to other place to start my life. from now, i will still love his daughter like a child which i could not say my own but i will treat like a daughter and protect her as a mother with a jie jie status I will pour some mother love for her and teach and guide her to love. i miss her sometimes like now i miss her. i promise someone to help in making a video for his daughter then i will do it. i am not going to push and force him. i want him to be the one he want to be and build himself back. i want to see him happy then i will be happy also. i know i am silly but i cant help myself.
Thursday, 23 July 2015
Always remaining as me
long time din post here... but i think mostly i will post all my bad feeling only... does miracle really exist for me??? i dunno how to feel now... perhaps should be back to zero... my feeling towards someone should be back to zero including my love to a little girl... i knew d,,,, everything good that i love and hope it would be everlasting happen would be taken away from me... last night when w e were both together in a small room in ur house, i was feeling overjoy... i love it... really i love it... the way we cuddle and play each other, i was hope that time could pause and stop at there... for i know everything that i wish will be taken away... after last night, there no more msg from someone... love could really melt someone... i think he will only treat me as a passer-by and a normal fren only from now onwards for i know good thing and what i wish for will never happen and will be taken away from me... i will remains as me only...
Wednesday, 15 July 2015
the feeling inside me
it's near 2 months we had known each other. I was actually confuse on what i want. Had never been in this mess in love before. I love in being straight forward. But for me, I cannot be straight forward towards as there are many things seems to block us from step in deeper. I have feeling for him but I also need to think deeply can i really be a stepmother? Can we both really accept this relationship. when i hold his daughter, i could feel the love of a mother she needs in her. My concern is can I gave her the love she need? now, we both are more to fren only. perhaps by this way only i can touch him, play with him and his daughter without have any awkard feeling. Eventually, perhaps i think i had change. this is not me. I will never concern too much if i love someone. LAst night, i acc him work. Actually deep inside i feel really happy and had a feeling of blessed. Dunno y. I will never let people to drive my car and put my heart at ease if someone try to drive my car. This feeling goes to Sheng. When he drove our kia last time, I always scare he will spoilt it. I will always worry. However, I never thought i could let Patrick to drive my car and I never worry anything about it. Perhaps this is the real love I have in my heart and a boy. Love could not be measure by time. I dunno since when he placed a place inside my heart. i dunno since when he exist in my heart. he is not a perfect guy nor a guy i dream of but i just love him. and i wanted so much to help him. touching his moustache, his face, his hand, i could make myself smile. nowadays when i miss him, when i think back, i could lift a smile on my face. i now just want to help him and hope that he can build himself with confidence then it will be ok. In future eventhough we may end up fren, i will be happy to c him happy again. Now only i know what is love. I din put any hope that he love me but i just hope that he can find his love. no matter i will still wait... i hold my job in singapore. i still wan to wait. while wait i will love up myself and live to the greatest... gambate for both of us... i may not declare my love to him now but i hope next time when i will have the brave to kiss him. I had wanted to kiss him for so long but i dun have the brave. Hope i can have a chance to kiss him again. Just once i will also feel satisfied.
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
feeling silly
last night was splendid for it was our second time outing together with his bb. Although it was just a small and short outing but I felt happy and satisfied... for at least I can be with him and see him. I maybe silly in thinking this way but isn't this is also the way it should be. I was hoping that we can be more than fren but if i can see him happy i am satisfied. when he post how happy he and his daughter last night, i felt so happy. however this morning he deleted the post. I was like had a sudden heartache feeling. i know that I may not be the person who would stay by his side at the end but at least now I able to stand by his side when he needs my help. however after the enjoyment of yesterday night, today he totally no message me at all. if i say that i am ok it would be a lie but i dun wan to disturb him with his work... i dunno should i msg him or not cse i wanted smy o much to msg him... i dunno that tonight movie can still on or not? i was waiting for tonight but i know and guess perhaps that tonight it will be canceled. eventually i was so scared it might be cancel. tonight it turn out it didn't cancel but my plan was ruined. today was the first time ever i didn't receive any message from him. my heart felt really uncomfortable and i dunno how to face him later..i feel very unsecure now... perhaps i should not step in but i also should not give up so fast... but i really dun have any confidence d... i am a loser in love,,, my feeling grew deeper... like tonight when we watch movie, i am feeling happy although i just sit by his side... but i pretend nothing happen because i scare... now also i scare... i am jealous when i saw him texting other girl.... y do i wan to care so much when he doesn't even care...
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Unspeakable Feeling
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