Unspeakable Feeling

14/07/2020

Been 5 months since i carried my second baby after my precious gem (Trinmie)... The feeling of pregnant been lost and now i am starting to feel it again. i had been waiting for this second baby for quite some time and i am happy when i know i am pregnant. whom not happy when knowing carrying little angel inside their worm. however thanks to god blessing and maybe mummy blessing. for once again in my life, I am pregnant again. and it is a girl.. 

year 2020 had been a tough year for me. i lost my job and currently I am jobless. a woman without a job, taking care of my daughters. don't even know whether I should be happy or not with my current situation. this year is very dynamic year for me as there were a disease of COVID 19 and I am carrying a baby without a job. maybe I am still lucky as I still able to manage my financial. but I need to fully rely on my husband. to be frank I am not happy to rely on him cause I love to have my own career. now I have no career but I still my babies for me to take care of. how am I gonna raise is a big problem for me due to my current situation.

Griefness and sore :( :( :(

After 3 years, finally I pregnant again. I don't really care about how others think about my pregnancy but my heart was filled with excitement and I was so happy about it. As for someone called my husband, I don't even know what is his actual feeling. Furthermore, I could not sense any feeling from him. I was so excited for these 2 months and waiting to meet my new baby. How only God and my mother in heaven would know my feeling.

Unfortunately, things always not on the bright side of mine. I made my first appointment with my doctor on 4 Nov 2019. I was eager to meet my new baby. I went to a check-up myself. Everything was fine with me. Weight ok. All were in order. Finally, it's time to see my baby. How anxious I was this time. When the doctor started to scan, I was waiting anxiously. Suddenly the doctor said, could not detect my baby and it seems like my baby had stopped growing inside me. My baby was 9 weeks and 1 day old.

The doctor said she would like to discuss it with me and talked to me. I was praying and thinking in my mind please don't about the bad things. Things will not always as expected. The doctor says most probably I will miscarriage with this pregnancy. The word miscarriage hurt me deeply. I was waiting to meet my baby but the doctor says most probably I would not be able to meet my baby. Only my mummy in heave and GOD knows how I felt at that time. I hold my tears but I know anyhow it will rivering down from my eyes.

I was alone at that time. There's nothing I could do to save my baby. AFTER 2 DAYS, I started to notice spots. The doctor says it was the beginning process of miscarriage. She asked to wait patiently for the natural miscarriage. I really wanted to burst out tears. My stomach started to cramp but up until today I still not bleeding.

Doctor says I would have to wait. The whole waiting process killing me. Now I just hope baby faster out and I can go pray for the baby.

The struggle

Hi Mommy,

How was your life.. Sorry ya mum... its been so long since my last chat with you which i cant even remember when. It feels so strange tonight mum.. I can feel you beside all night and somehow make me calms... it's been true saying that only mother can protect us and gave the best warm... even though u had left us but all this while deep inside my heart i miss you deeply.

mummy,

i had so many things wanna say to you and i wish u were beside me right now. i may looks like strong and brave and also can handle many things but mummy honestly saying i felt so tired and i nearly die due to suffocating in tiredness. I am so tired in this cruel and mad world. if it is not because i had a daughter now that need me by her side i think there will a time where i had ended my life.

mummy,
i dont know how to express my feel and i could not find any word to express my feeling.. i just know that i been feeling pain and hurt deep inside.. i forget who am i and who am i suppose to be anymore. i dont know how to deal with all the feelings inside i somehow feel like wanna explode d. i wish u were here now to advise me on how i should handle things. i had been leaidng unhappy life in which i cant even find my happiness and i dont even know what does a happy married and couple should be..

sore....

i am officially single nw... should be say that i suppose to be happy and free now... however it seems like i am causing myself in a dilemma again... being with someone was supposed to be happy... all of his family member treat me good... out of my expectations i had been a mum for several months... at first i was just thought on giving this child a mother love... however as time pass by, the love from just a normal sister to this child had become a love of mother... appearance seems to accept i to be her mom but deep inside this child i not sure.... for sometimes she will cast me away like today... as loves and cares i pour was not like normal kids... i knew that i can never have a place in her heart... sometimes i feel like crying but i dunno whether this tears rolling down is for what purpose? apparently i can feel jealous inside me... today i was touched when she called me but at the same time i do feel pain and sore when her daddy ask me go out in order to give her sleep... suddenly i feel like i am useless mother... a mother for just in need not for love... a girlfriend in need not for love.... i dunno i struggle for what and i dunno what am i doing now... when he ask me out from room, my tears wanna drop down.... my heart really sore... i dunno what should i do... i think nothing i can do now except for just be in patience... being a stepmother really not easy... really need time.... i hope that he could know that actually i am trying very hard and hope he could feel my tiredness... sometimes i do feel suffocated... heart really pain when daddy chase me out... the feeling is like all this while what i do was useless and means nothing..... dunno when only my tears can be out and when only baby could accept me....

the love of happiness

back from pangkor, seems to have buried my feeling of love to wards someone there. frankly i don't even know am i really putting it down. cause if so y am my heart still aching? i had been asking tis question again and again and yet i get the answer. perhaps he really put down his feeling towards me and just treated me as one of his fren who could help him when the time he need. 10/08/2015, he text me several msg. i saw it but i choose not to reply even though i wanted so much to text him back. when he called me just to know am i safe or back d, i was feeling happy and my heart was smiling. but that also just a short period of happiness that he grow inside me. when he suddenly text me so many questions, i could not felt what his feeling actually. when the time he asked me to accompany him a while, and the moment i saw his tears rolling down, my heart felt pain. i dunno y it happen but seeing him in pain and tired making me feel the same. i was sad that i unable to help him ease the pain inside his heart. i told myself and remind myself that we are just fren. dun cross the fren border line. otherwise i am the one get hurt. no matter how hard i tired, i still care and still concern. i cannot lie to my own heart. nowadays everytime when i faced him, i just act that we are just fren. i know that i want to be more than fren with him but sometimes things cannot be forced. perhaps it is better this way.

yesterday, he sent me a message saying how happy he was as he managed to get a lot of sales based on his effort and he is not the same old him anymore. i was feeling happy as well. i text him back. however after last night text, there is no reply from him since then. seeing him determined now, i really happy. as a fren i am really happy to be able to support him during the time he needs. perhaps he is using my feeling for i can sense it but as long as he managed to build up himself, i am more than happy for him. i should let really let go my feel to him d and just really treat him as fren. however, now i miss him so much. but for what use, i am the only one who miss him. his heart does not even consist me. he didn't even miss me. i will still help him till the day when the time say i should not help anymore. i love him but i not dare to think on owning him. i just want him to be happy and cheerful. i want him to be the person he should be and be a hero for bb nix. i miss his daughter a lot. caring him and loving him makes me loves his daughter and cared his daughter. however all this will stop one day when i felt i didn't exist and have a place in his heart. i love him and i will always wish for his happiness.

it is love? am i wrong in loving someone? cant i have the chance?

we should not make a relationship then i wont be in this hurt. i can still control my feeling towards him. i am not a wood. i am not a human with no feeling. i hate my feeling when it always right. i know he had no feel for me and just treat me as fren. i know that he felt sorry for playing me. but i want him to know that i just wanted a word from him. a word that can ask me to wait. i am willing to wait him. these few days i had been trying very hard in maintaining our relationship as fren. i know it is hard but i really dun wan to give up. love does not mean to own right. but single handed love really tired and pain. the worst pain is i had started to miss his daughter trinnix. i miss her a lot and a feeling of taking care of her slowly grow inside me. i dun wan to be her god mother cause i know what i want to be for her. bb i miss u... i had been see ur pic lately. it seems like bb daddy avoiding me.. perhaps he really busy... i also wish him the best. i just want to be beside him support him den i can be satisfied and happy. if he have problem i hope he will think of me and wish i can share with him. just be by his side i can be more than satisfied and happy. bb trinnix, jie jie miss u a lot... jie jie love u....

stupidity of me

i had done something really stupid last night... what a stupid question i asked him and now i more shy and more dunno how to face him. what on earth am i thinking when sending that message? am i out of my mind... now i feel so bad and my emotion were in a mess. I shouldn't have sent but y did i send? i hate myself so myself for not able to control myself anymore. but i really wanna get the ans from him and let him know that i am willing to be by his side support him and care him together with trinnix. i am willing to be his no.2 person. i am willing to be a someone important for trinnix. i dun wan just to be a bez fren for i cannot stand if he told he me that he fall for someone. how can i send that stupid message.... hate it.... i really hate myself.... WEE CHEOW LI u r so hopeless and useless... U already say treat him as fren then u should not think too much... but i still want to have a chance... is there any chance for us, i really dunno... perhaps i should really just treat him as a bez fren.... i will try my best to treat him as my bez fren and try my best to erase off our memories.