by ur side

my feeling growing each day... and i dun wan to stop it...  i know u dun believe in love anymore but i dun know y i just wan be by ur side and help u overcome with this... i should not have done this but i dun wan to c u hopeless... i am already happy when u think of me when u need help.... i want to help u get out and step out to what u wan to be and do... even though at the end i may not get ur love and maybe i will be once again doom but at least i have a moment with u... i know u dun have feeling towards me but i just dunno y i wanna help u up and help u move on and succeed... i am jealous and i admit... when u treat Renee nice i do admit that i am jealous actually but i control it.. i could feel tat u like her more... but i just pretend nothing happen cse i know i am fall in love with u d... but i dun wan u to noe tat i care u a lot.. i just wanna be by ur side when u need help and accompany... i wan u to have faith in love back... perhaps i wont get ur love but at least i try... maybe at the end i would end up being alone and get rejected by u but for now i dun wan u to give up urself and i wont give up... i wont force u and i will just be by ur side...

feeling of missing

we haven't meet each other for several days since last Monday and our texts getting fewer and fewer. I don't know that I had started to miss you till yesterday when I received your message I was really happy and feel bliss. By then, I already know I had started to really miss you. It may seem awkard for we just each other not long. Eventually I also don't does I really have feeling towards you or I just want to feel the missing piece inside me. I really cannot confirm on what is my feeling actually... I don't even know am I really scared in losing you or I just need an accompany. I know that you are busy lately for you had tell me in your message. But y am my heart feel ache when I don't receive any message from you. your message also getting fewer and fewer. Do I really put you in my life d or am I the one who started to enter in your life? We known each other really not long but why do I have this kind of feeling? These few days are you really busy or are you trying to avoid me? My mind was so confuse and blank. Every morning when I wake, the first I do was looking at my phone to check whether you had message me or not.... same goes to every night before I sleep I would wait for your message ... What on earth is happening to me? Why everyday my mind seems like to have you in it? Why I cannot control my mind anymore? Now, even a single message from you could brighten up my day... Why am I letting you in my life? I even started to listen to the songs that you love eventhough I don't like the song at first.  Why am I caring your daughter so much and so worry about your daughter when I know she is sick? What is happening to me? This is not suppose to happen and I should not have this kind of feeling... Today no message from you since morning till now... My mind was in a mess once again.... Am I had really fallen for you or I just want to fill the missing piece in my life and heart?/? Perhaps I should had let the feeling pass and not trying to find answer for the feeling anymore. I had filled my days with busy works and appointment but I still care and miss your message and the time being together with you... Perhaps I should avoid u and let go whatever happen now. I am feeling I am getting deeper and my feeling getting stronger each. I scared all these was just a dream and also my own thought... I scare to let him know all these feeling inside me. I scare if he knew it, he wont call me, message me and I can't be by his side whenever he needs me. I can't even make any move now as my status not yet change. I don't know he can wait me or not.. or maybe we are just friend. i am getting fed up and trying to step out d.... for i scare of disappointment. I really scare to know what he think... perhaps now is the best.. I have no confidence in myself anymore... I am a loser in love.... but I do miss him now....

what is love?

what is love actually? what do i want to express actually? why am i being blank? i am suppose to be free from a love that i shouldn't step in but yet my heart pounding for another one...
why did my heart could feel ache? it should be happy when i am free from the relationship that had been making me crazy but now y did my heart ache again? i been asking myself do i really know how to love and do i really love before? if yes, y am i feeling of give up now? what is the real feeling of love???

can love really cant be measure by time? although we just met and known each other for a month plus but i know deep inside my heart i am not treating u as my normal fren although i had been trying very hard to just treat u as a fren. I don't know do u have feeling for me but i can assure that i have feeling towards u and it is not little. every night before i sleep my mind will think of u same when i wake up every morning, i will think about u the first. i dun wan to stop my mind from thinking of u till one day u tell me that u are in love with other girl. i dun wan to give up on the things that i love for i had give up once. i don't know whether u will wait for me or not but i can confirm that i will wait for u till the day u are brave in facing love and hold my hand up. i will not listen to others but my feeling towards u will be keep inside.

love someone does not necessary means to have him but will always wish for his happiness.

what should a love means>>>>>>>>

last time maybe i really start too fast and evolve too fast in a relationship... that y i dun understand what does a love really means...i thought it would what u will get after what you have done to a person whom u cares and loves.. today only i realise and found out that love is not that way.... if we really love a person we would wish for their best.. we maybe longing to be with them but we would never force to be together... we would accept their everything and wish for their happiness. being together with them or not is not a point... this time perhaps i really fall in love d... i would wish for someone best in his life,,,,

what makes heart beat and what makes it hurts?

i dun even know does my heart really beating for someone d... i don't dare to step in but i did step in d. Last night i cried for so hard. Thanks to my darling and also someone who tried their best to make me happy. When I saw him I really happy. I can let go the pain I suffer and can even build myself up. Last night was really surprise me. I was so miss him and thanks to my darling I finally manage to see him. I do try my very best to just treat him as fren and not to cross border of frenship. I scare of losing him. He is right. I should not step in fast in a relationship when i had just a broken one. Last night although he just hold my hand for a while and also just for play, my heart melted. I know i could not control my feeling much longer. it getting stronger. Now not only he avoid me but i think i also avoid him. For all these while he keeps on reminding me that he just treat me as fren and we are just only fren. I don't know what would I feel when he told me that he loves someone else... i know that i didn't just treat him as fren. but i dun wan him to know that i had feeling with him. perhaps he know d that y he keeps reminding me as his fren. he dun wan me to misunderstood. i know. i understand. i dun wan to force too much. he dun have feel towards me then let it be ba. perhaps the feeling could be wash away through time. i not dare to see him long last night. my feeling really mixed up. i only know i feel so happy by his side. he keeps on saying wan find a girl and my heart keeps on scare. i din feel hurt just feel sad cannot even be a girl for him to choose. cannot be a girl to be with him. sad that i dun even have the chance. perhaps. maybe he think that i am not serious and playing only. or perhaps i am confuse with my own thinking and feeling. i feel sad cause no chance given by him. as for him i am just only a fren. a fren... just a fren.... perhaps i should stop messsaging him and stop thinking of him d... he will never think of me.... a love that accidentally lit up makes my heart beat again for love but a word of fren out from the accidentally lit up feel makes heart hurt..... friend... sometimes could ease pain but sometimes could make us mess and sad and pain....

heart beat again but heartache

all these years, i felt that i am a total lost girl. Perhaps i am too straight. I dunno how to control my feeling. I just lost a love and yet now i have feel again. i know it is not right. But y do i feel like he is the one... when i sad or happy also i think of him. no matter what mood i am in my mind was holding to him... its was not it should be. I don't even know whether my heart fall for him or not... he lift me up but now he put me down again. I hate my weakness a lot. I don't even know why am I fond of him. Maybe I was touch by the way he care for kids and the way he looks. We had been quite close last 2 weeks. He could even sang a song for me and bought me a cake and also kiss my forehead everytime we head home after we went out. But now things change. He started to avoid me. The message gets fewer everyday. The moment when he grabs my hand my life suddenly got a light lit up. However sweet things always never seem to last for me. The next day we seems like break d. Perhaps we or should I say I start out too fast. I don't understand myself why I can be like this. I just knew this nice guy and how can I have feeling for him? I was feeling very comfortable and secure whenever I with him. I enjoyed so much the time we spent together although just for a short period. Yesterday, when he sent me to meet lawyer, i was happy to be by his side and was so happy to see him. However don't know, after meeting up lawyer, my tears keeps on rolling down my eyes but I control it for I don't him to see me cry. While he sent me home, I managed to accompany him work a while. A feeling of satisfaction. I enjoyed seeing the way he work. I really hopes he could open up his heart now and not to prove anything to his ex-wife but to himself and also his daughter. Even though he may not likes me, I will also wish that he find a girl that will suit him, likes him and can accept his situation and condition as a single daddy. I may be in hurt if there is a girl likes him but I also wish him the best as he is a nice guy. As for Tommy, I really let go the pain and hurt love that he cause and gave me these 4 years. I could not even recall back any sweet memories while the time being together with him. I tried many times before filing for divorce to recover back the feeling of love that had lost however it seems like it getting worse when the feeling I had when with him is a feeling of scare and afraid. I felt unsecure when be with him. Eventually it seems like he lost everything, but the truth is it seems like I am the one who lost everything except my freedom. I had lost a house, family, car, love, money and youth. It is not easy to make this decision but it is even tougher to go through a life like hell. After last night discussion, it seems like I am making a fool to myself all these years. Been sacrifice for nothing. Love for someone who took me for granted. I am the biggest loser after all. It's gonna close and end after all. In a short while everything will come to an end. My life gonna open a new life chapter d. Jia you to myself ba. Gambate....  Everything will end..........