Griefness and sore :( :( :(

After 3 years, finally I pregnant again. I don't really care about how others think about my pregnancy but my heart was filled with excitement and I was so happy about it. As for someone called my husband, I don't even know what is his actual feeling. Furthermore, I could not sense any feeling from him. I was so excited for these 2 months and waiting to meet my new baby. How only God and my mother in heaven would know my feeling.

Unfortunately, things always not on the bright side of mine. I made my first appointment with my doctor on 4 Nov 2019. I was eager to meet my new baby. I went to a check-up myself. Everything was fine with me. Weight ok. All were in order. Finally, it's time to see my baby. How anxious I was this time. When the doctor started to scan, I was waiting anxiously. Suddenly the doctor said, could not detect my baby and it seems like my baby had stopped growing inside me. My baby was 9 weeks and 1 day old.

The doctor said she would like to discuss it with me and talked to me. I was praying and thinking in my mind please don't about the bad things. Things will not always as expected. The doctor says most probably I will miscarriage with this pregnancy. The word miscarriage hurt me deeply. I was waiting to meet my baby but the doctor says most probably I would not be able to meet my baby. Only my mummy in heave and GOD knows how I felt at that time. I hold my tears but I know anyhow it will rivering down from my eyes.

I was alone at that time. There's nothing I could do to save my baby. AFTER 2 DAYS, I started to notice spots. The doctor says it was the beginning process of miscarriage. She asked to wait patiently for the natural miscarriage. I really wanted to burst out tears. My stomach started to cramp but up until today I still not bleeding.

Doctor says I would have to wait. The whole waiting process killing me. Now I just hope baby faster out and I can go pray for the baby.

The struggle

Hi Mommy,

How was your life.. Sorry ya mum... its been so long since my last chat with you which i cant even remember when. It feels so strange tonight mum.. I can feel you beside all night and somehow make me calms... it's been true saying that only mother can protect us and gave the best warm... even though u had left us but all this while deep inside my heart i miss you deeply.

mummy,

i had so many things wanna say to you and i wish u were beside me right now. i may looks like strong and brave and also can handle many things but mummy honestly saying i felt so tired and i nearly die due to suffocating in tiredness. I am so tired in this cruel and mad world. if it is not because i had a daughter now that need me by her side i think there will a time where i had ended my life.

mummy,
i dont know how to express my feel and i could not find any word to express my feeling.. i just know that i been feeling pain and hurt deep inside.. i forget who am i and who am i suppose to be anymore. i dont know how to deal with all the feelings inside i somehow feel like wanna explode d. i wish u were here now to advise me on how i should handle things. i had been leaidng unhappy life in which i cant even find my happiness and i dont even know what does a happy married and couple should be..